


The Wizard of Silicon Valley

by lies_d



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Gen, Wizard of Oz AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-05-30 14:51:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6428677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lies_d/pseuds/lies_d
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sci-fi Wizard of Oz AU: Richard is a young inventor with a brilliant prototype, Erlich is his canine landlord, Jared is a cyber-mech, Dinesh is a cowardly hologram, and Gilfoyle is an alien. Cover art by the amazing Nanihoo can be found here on my Tumblr: </p>
<p>ten-bobcats.tumblr.com/post/142085993584/cover-art-for-my-fic-on-a03-the-wizard-of-silicon</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Be forewarned, this is a WIP that's proven more unwieldy than I'd anticipated. It might not be finished for awhile. Also, expect some Jarrich sometime mid-story.

Richard was in the fucking zone.

Not the zone where one fucked, obviously. Richard hadn't done anything like that since he'd spent birthday cash on a VR session last year.

He was in the _zone_.

His headphones were making permanent dents in his ear and his music had long since blended into one frenetically thumping heartbeat.

He wasn't chasing an idea, he'd caught the damn thing. He was struggling to hold on while it flew higher and higher, taking him on the ride of his life, up towards the nearest sun.

It would be morning soon. Erlich would wake up and he'd lose his spot at the design interface. In a frantic effort to finish, he'd already started the nanobot printer. It hummed and buzzed while it built the outer shell of his new device, and he raced to finish designing the heart of it.

On one of the screens in front of him was the wireframe blueprint of his device, so dense as to be almost meaningless. On another screen were the numbers. Some inventors designed using the visual map, but he was a numbers guy. Every part of what he was trying to build, set and quantified, ready to be translated into reality by the nanobots of the 3D printer.

After one last round of keystrokes on the holoboard, his fingers stilled. He lifted his hands away. The design was finished.

Richard exhaled. It seemed to him that this project was the culmination of everything he'd ever learned, everything he'd ever worked on, all the way back to the doodles he used to draw in science class - dim proto-versions of what he was creating now.

He felt lighter. Maybe that was just dehydration and severe lack of sleep.

While the nanobots churned out the prototype, Richard double and triple checked the stock levels, to make sure they had enough base materials to finish the construction. That was just nervous busywork to occupy him while he waited.

Soon enough (though not soon enough for Richard), the nanobots retreated to their hive, and the design interface signalled that the build was complete.

Reverently, Richard picked up his invention from the build platform. This part always amazed him - always had, always would. How something could go from just an idea in his head to an actual real thing. _It's alive!_ He wanted to shout.

It was a sphere. A complicated sphere, with ridged bands that interlocked all the way around. Bare metal for now - a nice shell design could be incorporated later. All he'd designed it for initially was functionality and durability.

Richard held it in both cupped hands. It was about 10cm wide, and surprisingly heavy. When he shook it, ever so slightly, nothing rattled or clinked inside. It felt solid. Warm. Richard put his thumb over the activation key.

The holographic interface popped into life. Settling the device into one hand, he punched in a sequence of numbers he thought would work. Jittery and exhausted though he was, he needed to see if it worked. He absolutely could not wait until morning.

Richard pressed the activation key again.

The interface dissolved. The ridged bands started spinning. The device lifted up into the air in front of him and then the world, the entire universe started spinning around him. Then it cut to black.

~~~

Richard opened his eyes. It felt like waking up from a ten year sleep. His whole body felt weak from disuse, and his mind was completely disoriented. Where the hell was he? What was going on?

He was floating. No, actually he was sitting on a chair. Everything else was floating around him. Tables, chairs, lamps, shelves. There went some protein tubes, and a cloud of dried cereal.

Suddenly he recognized where he was. He was in the design room of Erlich's ship, exactly where he'd been a minute ago, except his chair was on the wall instead of on the floor.

They were floating in Zero G - god damn gravity generator must've cut out again.

Bighead sailed in from the kitchen, mouth hanging open, flapping his arms like a bird in an effort to catch up to a bubble of soda that was slowly floating away from him. Erlich, who had just ripped a hit from his bong, started laughing so hard he fell out of his chair. He fell forward, but his robe fell back. Once he'd floated a full rotation around, still laughing his ass off, Richard was treated to a full view of his tackle. Looked like Erlich was going commando today.

Richard clenched his eyes shut but the terrible sight was seared into his brain.

One of Erlich's obscene chew toys dinged him right in the head from behind. He opened his eyes to dodge whatever else might floating towards him. There'd be a hell of a mess to clean up tomorrow.

Jian Yang floated into the room from the hall. ( _Jian Yang? What was he still doing here?)_

"Fish escape water tanks!"

Erlich was laughing too hard to respond. Smoke clotted around him in clumps. "God damnit Jian Yang!" He managed to wheeze.

Something else must've hit Richard in the head, harder this time, because everything went black.

~~~

When Richard came to, he was lying on his back, clutching his invention to his chest. Erlich loomed over him.

"Whatever you made this time, I hope it's good. You used up all the Rhodium." Erlich said before taking a bite out of a carbs wafer.

"Don't worry - it's good," Richard said, dodging crumbs falling from Erlich's mouth. He rolled over and pushed himself unsteadily to his feet. "I think. Sorry about the gravity generator."

"What about the gravity generator?" Erlich demanded. "Oh my god, did you fuck with the gravity generator?"

Richard looked around. There was no mess. Well, no unusual mess anyways. All the furniture was back in the place. There were no fish gasping on the hallway floor. No Jian Yang sweeping up the cereal.

_Jian Yang?_ Didn't he moved out last year?

"Check the logs," Richard said, shaking his head. "Something happened. It worked. That or I just had a major psychotic episode."

Spreading his robe like a skirt around him (at least he was wearing shorts this time), Erlich settled wide-legged into his ergonomic computer station and pulled on his leather typing braces.

With a mug of breakfast soda in his hand, Big Head came up beside Richard just in time to see Erlich pulling up the camera logs from last night.

Richard winced. There he was, in his moment of triumph, swaying on his feet after three days of no sleep, bleary-eyed and twitchy. He looked like a palsied turkey.

On screen, he activated the device and disappeared in a flash of what could only be described as negative light.

"What the fuck...?" Erlich.

"Whoah," added Big Head.

A giggle escaped Richard. Suddenly he felt lightheaded again. There it was - he'd done it.

Three seconds later after disappearing, Richard flashed back onto screen and crumpled onto the floor with the device clutched in his hands.

Erlich fast-forwarded through the rest of the camera footage. He stayed passed out on the floor for about an hour until Erlich came to wake him up.

"That was awesome!" Bighead clapped Richard on the back.

"That was... something. What the hell did you do? Does it make you invisible?" Erlich replayed the footage in infra-green with the heat sensors on. When Richard disappeared there was a spike of cold, and he was definitely not in the room for three seconds. "Was it like, a mini-port?"

"Well, um, it's designed to compress time. Or expand it, for the user I mean. So that like, one hour would seem like three hours, from the user's perspective. So you could get more done. But I think it like, sent me back in time. I saw... do you remember when the gravity generator cut out a few years back?"

"Yeah, and Jian Yang was fishing in the hydroponics bay, so all the fish got out. God what a fucking mess that was."

"That's it - well, I saw that again. I was there again."

"So you got to relive that moment?"

"Yeah. I'm not sure why, but that's what it did."

Erlich leaned back and rested his head in his laced hands.

"Okay. Okay. Assuming you weren't just dreaming or something - I can see a market for that. Who doesn't want to go back and relive a few moments of their glory days. We could call it the Flash Back."

Richard had had _The Compressionator_ in mind, but no, Flash Back was kind of better. All he had to do was figure out _why_ , exactly, it made him relive that particular moment (he could've gone his whole life without seeing Erlich's crotch again), and then, yeah, maybe they'd have something big on their hands.

"I'm not so sure it'll be a big sell, Richard. But I'm gonna register the design and the proof video at the patent office anyways. We can figure out the marketing angle later. Or who knows, we might attract a buy right away."

"Nooo no no, not now! It's not ready. The controls, as far as I can tell, are completely inaccurate, the interface is misleading, and I want to run off a few copies to test for durability and conservation design and -"

"Richard, Richard, Richard." Erlich shushed him by putting a finger to Richard's lips. "Did _you_ invent the Dogdong 3000?"

Richard sighed. "No."

"Who did?"

"You did, Erlich."

"That's right. Now I am king of all I survey."

Richard supposed that was technically true, if he closed the blinds so he couldn't see the space port outside.

"You're lucky you have me here to guide you, for a mere 10% stake in your project of course. Because I'm telling you that you should patent this puppy now. Toot sweet. Work the kinks out later. Because while you're sitting around with your thumb up your ass, some dildo from Saturn is going to come up with the exact same idea and beat you to the patent office. It's happened to me a dozen times."

Richard knew for a fact that it happened the most when Erlich was high and watching the latest patent announcements: ' _I totally just thought of that idea!'_

"I don't know, Erlich -"

"Well _I do_ , Richard. Trust me. We need money for fuel and docking fees, and this, whatever this is, might just see us through for the next few cycles."

Too tired to argue, Richard sighed again. "Okay. Okay. I'll register first thing in the morning. My morning." By which he meant late evening. Having the night shift on the interface really sucked. He really would've preferred the afternoon slot, but Erlich liked Big Head's idea for 'Shiptits' better.

Erlich clapped him on the back. "Attaboy, Richard. We'll make something of you yet."


	2. Chapter 2

Richard woke up a few hours later when he was nearly thrown out of bed. The ship was on the move. He threw on some clothes and scrambled to the work room.

Erlich was reclined in his command chair, goggles covering his face, hands at the ship’s controls on the arms of the chair. Big Head was strapped into his seat, and outside the window the view tipped and yawed along the spaceport as Erlich guided them towards the exit gate.

“What the fuck, Erlich?”

“I submitted the proofs while you were asleep, Richard, and we got the call. It couldn’t wait - strap in.” Erlich commanded.

Richard secured himself on the nearest chair. The gravity generators, not normally the most stable of equipment, tended to get wonky when the ship’s engines came on. 

“What call? Are you steering while high again?” 

From his seat, Big Head nodded _yes._ “We got pretty much all the calls? Zen-tech, Diamond, Tol-ray. Hooli was the last one.”

“ _Hooli?_ Wow.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“There’s a bidding war going on over your invention, Richard. We need to get to Corp Control right away, strike while the metal is hot.”

“Iron,” corrected Richard.

“Iron? What about it? Are we low again? I just topped us up!” The ship swerved dangerously.

“Iron, not metal. Strike while the _iron_ is hot.”

“Goddammit Richard, are you trying to kill us all?” Erlich shouted. “I’m trying to steer this thing.”

 _High as balls,_ Richard added in his mind. “Sorry – sorry. Nevermind.” He closed his eyes and tried not to think about the very real statistical probability that they were about to die a violent, fiery death.

~~~

Erlich’s ship, normally docked at whatever space port was cheapest, had been built for long-distance space travel at a time when gate technology had yet to arrive. As such, it was designed for long-haul trips - it was slow but it was made to last, which explained why it was still operational despite being so old and clunky.

In terms of design, the thinking at the time had been that the inhabitants of the ship would need to feel like they were at home in order to be able to withstand the psychological pressures of being trapped there for possibly decades at a time.

‘Home’ in this case had been interpreted quite literally. The ship was designed to look like a home. Specifically, a house. Late twentieth century style. Resting on a bedrock that extended around it, supporting a backyard with a lawn and a pool, as well as a driveway in front where Erlich kept his van clamped down.

And so the flying ranch house emerged from the gate and made a shaky landing in their assigned lot on the outskirts of Silicon City.  

Not even willing to wait long enough for their lot's nanobot bed to connect to the ship's utility lines, Erlich pestered them all out the door.

Richard squinted in the sunlight. Fresh air, wow. He'd forgotten how amazing it was. It'd been over a year since they'd been planet side. Erlich might be wealthy by Richard and Big Head's standards, but even he couldn't afford a lot on real terra firma.

"Whoah," said Big Head as they took in the view.

Glittering roads from surrounding homestead lots all lead down into a massive valley, where vacuum tube stations delivered people up to the reason they were all here.

Corporate control buildings filled the sky above the valley, as far up as Richard could see; floating fortresses, commingling with the clouds. Smaller corporations crowded each other near the ground, jostling for airspace. Logos got bigger, both literally and figuratively, the higher they were floating. Hooli Corporate Control dwarfed everything around it. In the distance, Arillon Industries loomed like a full moon. Hover transports shuttled to and from buildings in orderly lines.

"Come on, come on!" Erlich tapped his foot while they waited for the planet's nanobots to build a walkway so they could make their way to the nearest vacuum tube station.

Just then a small hovercraft came into view, heading towards them, 'Customs' printed in blue across either side. Erlich stopped dead in his tracks.

"Occupants of lot N-5230?" A loudspeaker from the customs hovercraft announced to them. "We're conducting a mandatory inspection of your ship. Permission to land is required."

"Oh no no no, permission _NOT GRANTED._ " Erlich shouted, backing up. "We're not ready. Just wait!"

There weren't many controlled substances that Erlich _didn't_ have, stashed away somewhere in his ship. Luckily they could be incinerated easily enough, if one avoided the smoke they gave off.

"Your first meeting's at Hooli in fifteen minutes - go on, I'll catch up to you!" Erlich waved Richard and Big Head away while he doubled back towards the ship.

Richard swallowed some nervous bile while Big head gave him a reassuring pat on the arm. At least he wouldn't have to face this completely alone.

~~~

The nearest tube station wasn't far - there was no point in taking Erlich's van. When they began to descend into the valley, Richard was glad for the extra layer he'd thrown on. It was dark in the shadow of the corporations, and cold.

They had _almost_ made it to the tube station when suddenly a swarm of news drones descended upon them like a cloud of mosquitos.

"Whaaat? What is going on?" Richard tried to shield his eyes from the flashes of light as at least a dozen drones tried to take his picture at the same time.

"I told you man, people are pretty excited." Big Head squinted as he smiled for the cameras.

Richard had never seen so many different kinds of news drones in one place. Some shone lights onto him, some pointed microphones and some looked like they were recording him in 3D.

"Richard Hendricks?! Richard!" A holograph coalesced in front of him - the floating head of a dark-haired woman with square glasses. "How do you feel about essentially killing an entire division of Hooli's new product development?"

"Huh? I didn't... I don't think I killed anyone."

"You've rendered the division obsolete, so they've all been fired. No suicides yet, but it's still early."

"Oh, that's awful, I didn't know." Richard shook his head. He'd been awake for less than an hour and already he felt overwhelmed.

Then, a truly alarming sight on the horizon made Richard grab hold of Big Head's arm. There, in the distance, coming towards them; a fairy lady in a soap bubble. His sanity must've finally kacked out like a badly-maintained engine.

"Hey, careful. You know I bruise kind of easy," said Big Head, before he noticed where Richard was looking. His mouth fell open. " _Oh._ Wow. You're seeing that too, right?"

"Yes. Thank god, yes."

As the soap bubble came closer, Richard realized the fairy lady was in actuality a real lady. A pretty one at that.

"Watch out - coming through!" The brunette announced as she sailed towards them. The bubble's surface repelled drones as it passed, flinging the camera-bots away left and right.   Once they finally noticed her, the crowd of cameras parted, but a few of the more persistent ones still got bumped away by whatever force-field the bubble was projecting. 

"Careful! Ooh, sorry Kara!"

The bubble deposited the lady on the ground in front of them, but instead of popping, it kept on expanding. Before Richard and Big Head could gather the wits to draw back, it had enveloped them too, rushing past them with cold _whoosh_.

Now they were alone in a bubble with a strange lady. A _woman._ The female of the species, in the flesh. This was definitely not the way Richard pictured his day going. What a treat.

She smiled at them. "Hi! I'm Monica Hall, Peter Gregory's assistant."

Monica offered her hand. Richard stared at it for a few seconds before he clued in. _Oh yeah._ He reached out and shook Monica's hand. Outside, the camera bots gawked and snapped pictures.

"You must be Richard Hendricks," Monica supplied. Once again, it took Richard a few moments to catch up.

"Ah, yeah," he nodded. "That's me. Richard Hendricks. That is my name." He felt proud of himself for at least managing to get it all out without stammering. "Oh! And this is my friend Big Head - ah, Nelson Bighetti."

Monica shook Big Head's hand as well. "Nice to meet you."

So polite. What nice teeth.

"So, Richard. Peter saw the video proofs of your invention, and he's _very_ excited."

Right down to business, this Monica. Richard liked her even more.

"Really? _Peter Gregory_ likes my invention?" 

"Of course! It's revolutionary! _Richard_ , I know you have a meeting with Hooli and you don't have a lot of time - "

"- ah, yeah. How did you know that?"

Monica shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Don't ask. You don't want to know."

Richard looked over to Big Head, who shrugged.

"But before you go in there," Monica continued "I want you to look at this."

She held out what looked like... a folded piece of paper. Really, somebody in the universe still used paper? Richard took it out of pure curiosity.

"It's a set of instructions. Your invention Richard, it's game changing. Don't hand it over to someone else - incorporate _yourself_. With an invention like that, you could build an empire. At the very least, settle your own planet."

"My own planet?"

Richard felt like an idiot for parroting her like that, but Monica smiled at him anyways. "That's what the instructions will help you do. And Peter Gregory will provide you with as much seed money as you need for every step."

Richard looked down at the words on the paper, but couldn't concentrate enough to read them. He did make out a currency amount attached to each step.

"Wow. It sounds... " It sounded too good to be true. "It would be a lot of work, wouldn't it?"

"It would." Monica didn't sugar-coat. "But you could think of it as a journey. A pretty exciting one, I bet." Well, maybe just a little sugar-coating.

"Would you be helping us?" Richard asked, looking up shyly.

"Of course! I'll be your direct line to Peter. Anything you need, just ask."

Richard nodded. He'd been hoping she would be going with them, but realized his luck only stretched so far. A whole planet to his name? Sure. A beautiful woman to spend time with him? That was just asking too much.

"Okay - okay." Richard nodded again. "I'm still going to take the meeting but, you know, I'll think about it. Thank you."

Monica smiled at him again. What a day. "You're welcome Richard. I'll be in touch."

~~~

Before they stepped into the tube station, Richard turned to watch Monica floating away in her bubble.

“Tell me the truth, Big Head. Did I just make a complete idiot of myself?”

“Nah, man. You did fine.”

There was a reason Big Head was his best friend, and it wasn’t just because they’d grown up on the same planet together.

They shuffled into the tube station, where Richard gave their names to the mech at the info kiosk. He had been expecting to pay a fee, but apparently it was paid for them – a one way trip straight to Hooli’s executive lobby.

Richard stepped into the tube, closed his eyes, and held his breath. Tubes didn’t bother him as much as they used to – at least he knew the ride would be over quickly. A quick pop of his eardrums and a few flops of his stomach later, he stumbled out at the other end. A few seconds later Big Head came through right behind him.

The entrance in which they found themselves was huge; glassy, lots of sunlight, tastefully furnished, and completely deserted save for themselves. It must be the _very_ VIP lobby. Richard thought he should be honoured but instead he just felt kind of uncomfortable. They followed the carpet into the room.

“So are we just supposed to wait here?” Big Head wondered aloud.

Three decorative statues stood in the middle of the lobby. Except for their metal skin they were eerily life-like, and Richard wondered if it was the artist’s intention to put them so far down the uncanny valley.

“Richard Hendricks?” they asked in unison, causing Richard to jump back nearly a foot.

 _Oh._ They were mechs. That made more sense.

“Yeah... uh, yeah. That’s me,” Richard stammered as he tried to regain his composure.

“Welcome to Hooli, Richard.” The one in the middle addressed him. He was the tallest, thin and pale, with a voice as mild as a glass of skim milk.

“Gavin Belson is very excited to meet you,” said the lady mech to the right. Her bright red hair flipped up just below her ears, so shiny that it looked like a hard plastic wig.

“Great – I’m, uh, excited to meet him too.” Richard smiled and nodded in a way he hoped wasn’t too off-putting. Not that they cared, probably, he just hated how he wasn’t quite able to control his face when he was nervous.

“He’s instructed us to bring you to his office,” said the third mech, another male, with golden skin and black hair. “Your friend is welcome to join you, of course.”

“Thanks,” replied Big Head, seemingly unphased by all of it.

“Please follow us.”

Red Head took the lead, turning around to head towards the back of the lobby, with the two males behind her. Richard and Big Head followed.

The mechs’ smooth, synchronized movements gave the impression that they were on wheels, following a set track. They definitely weren’t human, but they weren’t the kind of mass-produced, cookie-cutter mechs you saw staffing food courts and sales halls. Their features were different but complimentary, like three tastefully matched vases thrown by the same potter. Expensive mechs, then.

They all stopped at the wall, a massive stone sheet pocked with cretacean-period fossils. One square block drew in and parted to the side, revealing a small chamber beyond.

Richard was the last to step in, having fallen behind Big Head. He tried to be cool about it all, really he did. That was before the doors behind him closed and the room shifted up with a lurch.

 _An elevator_. Right after a tube ride. Great. So far Hooli wasn't making a great impression. Which was ironic once it became apparent that this elevator ride was all about impressing its occupants.

Up they went. Really fucking _up_. The elevator was made of glass, and once they cleared the lobby, a grand vista spread out below them.

If the Hooli compound looked impressive from the ground, it was even moreso up close. All the buildings were made of sparkling glass, domed or hive-like shapes, along with the odd tower or two. Fields of grass and flowers stretched out between them. There were trees everywhere, and there was lots of water - little rivers and pools cross-crossed with walking paths, interrupted by waterfalls. You could people playing or going about their work, like a happy, productive nanobot colony.

Beautiful was the only way to describe it.

Looking at it, Richard felt sick to his stomach. A steadying hand settled onto his shoulder.

"Would you like an anti-nauseant?" Asked a soft voice behind him.

Richard looked back. It was the tall, pale mech who had reached out to him.  

Richard shook his head. "I'll be fine. Thanks, ah, Jared," Richard read from the mech's nametag. The mech practically beamed in response, which prompted Richard to turn back around so that if he actually did vomit, he wouldn't do it all over the mech's lanky chest. He had to fight the strong urge to lie down on the ground and pull his sweater up over his head.

Big Head seemed more impressed by the view than he was. He was right in front of the glass - he actually had his nosed pressed up against it. Richard realized that he'd been talking to him, but Richard hadn't heard a word he'd said.

"...and look over there. Are those people? With wings?"

"Uh, sure. Cool."

Richard fixed his eyes on horizon and tried to think about numbers. Numbers could always be relied upon to distract him from life's various unpleasantries. It would be fine. He would be fine. He was determined to get through this without making a fool of himself this time.

Then the elevator stopped.

Richard threw up on the floor.

~~~

Richard wasn't sure if the cleaning mech they sent even had AI, but he apologized about the mess while they passed it in the hallway.

The doors to Gavin's office were expensively tinted glass - the kind that could be adjusted at the touch of a button. Right now they were dark and marbled with gold. They opened slowly and majestically when approached.

There he was - Gavin Belson. Owner of the Hooli star system. Dressed in a suit that probably cost more than Richard could get on the black market for all of his organs combined.

His skin was _so green_. Richard had seen vids before, but he still wasn't prepared for it. His eyes were dark and his smile looked well-practiced. Gavin shook both of their hands in turn while they introduced themselves, and though he had a firm, confident handshake, the coldness of his skin clinched the overall... reptilian vibe.

Hooli was an old corporation, older than the colony on Richard's home planet, and Gavin Belson had helped to found it. The man must be a three centuries old if he was a day. The fact that he was still standing was a testament to Hooli's roots as a biotech company. He was also himself a walking testament to the fact that you could only stretch human longevity so far before things started to get a little wonky.

"Richard," Gavin said warmly, as though they were long time friends. "Just this morning I watched the video proofs of your invention, and I have to admit I was very excited. Please Richard, tell me a little about this... incredible device."

Richard gripped the device tightly. He had trouble making eye contact at the best of times, but the way Gavin's excitement came off as hunger made him incredibly uncomfortable. The green skin really didn't help.  

"Well, I started out with the Aridean principle, which, you know, is supposed to be absolute, but I designed a way to get around it by, um, by..." Words failed him here, and he didn't have a slate of numbers to express what he was thinking. He wiggled the fingers of one hand in the air while he visualized the theorem he'd used, before realizing that was just as incomprehensible as saying 'um.'

When he looked up at Gavin, intently watching his hand, he had the strange inking that Gavin might actually have understood it.

"Please, go on," Gavin said.

"Um. Actually." Richard felt suddenly a little exposed and unsafe, though he couldn't say why. "How about I just show you?"

He held out the device.

"Here. Put your hand right there."

The settings should be the same as when he'd used it last. It should be fine.

Gavin put his hand on the device. Richard, with some trepidation, settled his hand on top of Gavin's. _So cold, so reptilian_ , was Richard's thought, before reality winked out of existence.

~~~ 

Richard came to awareness lying on a lumpy rug in the dark. On the ground beside him to one side was Gavin Belson. To the other side was some fat guy, his hair splayed out around him like a greasy halo.

Gavin Belson stood up, and so did Richard. He could see Gavin, but he could also see what Gavin was seeing. It was the strangest thing.

The air smelled like dude sweat, dust, salty food and recycled air. There was a comforter spread out on the floor nearby with two more guys sleeping on it.

Gavin had some crazy facial hair. He looked... not thinner, but less drawn, and his skin was a normal flesh-colour. He was staring at a table in the middle of the room.

On the table there was a tank filled with greenish fluid. Something floated in it, connected by tubes and wires to the humming machines surrounding the tank.

Standing over the table, hands deep in the tank, wearing elbow-length gloves, was another young man. He looked so familiar, Richard was sure he'd seen his face before - went to college with him or something.

"You had another bad dream. Go back to sleep, Gav." Said the young man without looking up.

"Pete?" Said Gavin Belson.   

"I'll finish it, don't worry." The young man looked up. His eyes narrowed, noticing something Richard couldn't see. "Are you all right, Gav?"

Gavin opened his mouth to respond.

The world blinked out of existence again.

~~~

Richard woke up when Big Head slapped him in the face.

"Ow! What the hell?"

Kneeling beside him on the floor, Big Head sat back and heaved a sigh of relief.

"Holy crap, Richard. I haven't been so worried since the time you tried to run two laps around the school yard. I think you weren't breathing for a second there."

That was a hell of a bug they were going to have to work out.

"Are you feeling light-headed?" Jared had Richard's feet up on his lap.

"I think I'm okay. Thanks. How's Gavin?"

Richard looked over, but couldn't see him for the medical circus that had sprung up in the short time he'd been unconscious.

"I'm fine! I'm fine! Let me up," came Gavin's voice, a second before he came charging out of the emergency surgical tent, hair dishevelled and shirt open.

"You." Gavin pointed a finger like a gun at Richard, who scrambled to get up. "That." He pointed at the device, still clutched in Richard's hand.

"I. Want. That." Gavin pronounced. With his other hand he pulled the medical sensors from his depilated chest ( _So green!_ Richard wanted to tell Big Head to stop staring, but he could barely keep his eyes up himself.).

"Um. Okay. Let me get my business partner on the line, and maybe we could, ah, you know, talk about it." There was no way Richard was going to talk money numbers without Erlich there to help him.

"No, I don't think you understand," said Gavin. "I own one of the biggest human-colonized star systems in existence. I can have anything, or anyone, brought to this office for me within an hour. But I want _that_. And if I want that, it means that anybody with the capacity to want will want it too."

"I know, right? It's pretty cool."

Gavin smiled a kind of tight-lipped species of smile. "Yes, it is pretty cool. So. Let's start with Hooli citizenship. For both of you." He looked over at Big Head, who finally pulled his eyes up. "Along with your families, your pets, whoever you want to bring. Jobs for life. Palatial housing. All the resources you could ever want, at your fingertips."

"Aaahh..." All of that sounded _amazing_ , Richard had to admit. If someone had given him an offer like that yesterday, hell, even an hour ago, he would've tripped over his own feet in a rush to accept. But now... he didn't know what to say. He stuffed his hand in his pocket and looked down at his feet to avoid Gavin's carnivorous gaze.

Peter Gregory's plan was in his pocket. Richard wrapped his hand around it. Crumpled though it was, it felt solid and real.

Gavin's offer was good. They could go into more detail, he was sure. But he knew what would be better. If he had his own planet, he could all the security, resources, and comfort Gavin was offering, and he'd have it on his own terms, living by his own rules, never having to kowtow to anyone again.

Richard shook his head. 

"I can't... not right now. Let me think about it."

Gavin's eyes narrowed and his smile faltered just a little. He looked between the two of them.

Big Head shot a ' _wtf?_ ' look at Richard, clearly thinking that he must've lost his mind to turn down the offer. This Gavin caught.  

"What about your friend? Does he want to stay while you think about it? Same terms - citizenship and all the rest." Gavin turned his smile over to Big Head.

Big Head nodded. "Um. Yeah - sure."

"What?" Now it was Richard's turn to stare in disbelief. "What the hell, Big Head?"

Looking down at his shoes, Big Head shrugged.

"Come on, dude. You know plan you have, that _adventure?_ Sounds... kinda scary to me.  Like it'll take a lot of hard work, and way too much time, for something you're not even sure will pay off." Big Head finally looked up, looked him in the eye. "I'm tired, y'know? And I miss my family."

Richard did know. He was tired of scrabbling on the fringe too. But for a long time now, Big Head had been family to him, the only family he wanted anyways.

Setting his mouth in a thin line, Richard nodded while he backed away.

"Sure. Okay. Whatever - just stay here then. I'll catch you later, maybe. Thank you for your time, um, Mr. Belson." He had no idea why in the world Gavin Belson wanted to keep Big Head at Hooli. Maybe he thought Big Head had some insight into how he'd built his invention?

 _Good luck with that,_ he thought to himself as he gave them both a curt wave, then turned and headed for the door.

~~~

As soon as the elevator began to make its descent, Richard felt himself getting weak in the knees. He braced himself against the back of the elevator, closing his eyes to ignore the fabulous scenery flashing by.

Stewing in regrets already, he thunked the back of his head against the elevator door.

" _God. Dammit._ "

His eyes flew open when he remembered he wasn't alone in the elevator. Beside him, Jared smiled politely. One more moment to add to his mental reel of personal embarrassments. 

"For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision," the mech said.

Richard tried to smile back, but couldn't. "Thanks," he replied.

"In fact, I was wondering... would you please consider taking me with you?"

"Hmm? What?"

"I'd like to go with you. Help you make your bid. I'm very knowledgeable about the kinds of procedures you'll need to follow, and I'm sure I could be an asset."

Was this some kind of joke? Richard pushed himself away from the elevator wall and took a good look at the Hooli-mech. His overly-still demeanour made him blend in with the office furniture up in Gavin's office. Only a few details emerged now that Richard was looking. He wore a plain-looking business shirt with a silver nametag affixed to the front. His skin matched his nametag and his hair matched the dark-gold of the lighting fixtures and the floor trim (Richard wondered if there was some kind of corporate colour scheme to which he had to adhere).

"Okay, um, but aren't you like, Hooli's property?"

"Technically I'm the property of Arillon Industries. Hooli owns my contract at the moment, but if you offered a competing contract, I could terminate my session at Hooli and go work for you."

Flicking his thumbs against his middle fingers, Jared produced a holographic viewscreen in the air between his hands. With a swipe of his fingers he turned it around so Richard could read it.

"I have a standard one year contract ready. All you need to do is verbally agree."

"Whoah, whoah." Richard took a step back. "That's a bit quick. I haven't agreed to anything. How much would this cost me anyways?"

"For the first year, nothing. I'll work for you for free."

"Okay. That's... um. Suspiciously generous. What about the year after that?"

"Well, if you still want my services, you'd have to provide back pay to renew my contract. But by then you should have your own planet, so cost shouldn't be a problem! If you don't want to renew, or you haven't succeeded in your bid, then there'd be no cost at all. Except, you know, space to store me and a glass of water now and then."

Richard knew he should ask how of often 'now and then' would entail - water could be expensive in a lot of ports. He knew he should ask how much the back pay would be. He knew he really should read the contract down to its tiniest detail, but instead he found himself watching the mech's face, trying to find some explanation for this bizarre offer.

"Why?" Richard asked plainly.

"I'm... just not very happy here." Said the mech. A few moments passed before Richard realized he wasn't going to elaborate.

Richard looked at the contract and looked up at Jared. This was another decision he felt ill-equipped to make right now.

"I have a multitude of functionalities. I can be useful to you in ways you didn't even know you needed. Take that plan for example," Jared gestured to the piece of paper Richard had clutched in his hand. "Do you even know what half of those steps will entail? I have years of experience with this kind of patent registration. I can guide you through it."

Richard glanced at Peter Gregory's instructions. It was so plainly laid out, with numbered bullet points and lots of white space - he'd made it look like it would be easy. But really, Richard only understood about three out of ten terms on the page.

Judging by the way the elevator was slowing down, they'd be on the ground floor soon.

"Please, Richard." The mech's voice dropped to a whisper. "I'll do whatever you want. Just please get me out of here."  

Richard knew this could be some kind of ploy. Maybe an attempt to spy on him or steal his work. But he recognized the desperation in the mech's eyes. His gut told him it wasn't faked.

"Okay." Richard nodded. "Okay. I agree to the terms of this contract."

The holograph added a recording of his voice and a timestamp to the bottom of the contract. Jared saved the file by closing his hands into a ball, then sent it off by wireless courier with a swipe of his fingers.

The look on Jared's face was nothing short of beatific. Richard returned a thin-lipped smile, though he felt a little queasy.

The elevator stopped and the doors opened. Outside, there were four impressive-looking security guards. Clutching his plan, Richard walked past them and out the door.

Jared took off his nametag and handed it to the last guard on his way out.


	3. Chapter 3

A noxious cloud greeted them at the door. Coughing and wheezing, Richard turned the ventilators up a notch, but he could already feel a buzz coming on.

"How the fuck did it go? Give me an update here! Don't tell me you took the first offer you were given!" Erlich called out from the kitchen where he was occupied with the incinerator.

"Umm..."

"Oh for fuck's sake. At least don't tell me you came back with magic beans. Fuck, Big Head, didn't you tell him Tripoli wanted to offer planet stock?"

Richard went to kitchen and pulled out Peter Gregory's plan. Erlich, who was fishing out half-burned bags of narcotics from the incinerator, squinted at it.

"Okay. Not beans, but close," said Erlich once he'd read the plan. "Looks like a shit ton of work too. But hey, a big risk for a big payoff. I can respect that."

Richard nodded as he folded the paper carefully and put it back into his pocket. "Thanks, Erlich. That actually means a lot to me." 

"As long as I get my ten percent, we're good. And where's Big Head? Don't tell me he got lost at the supermarket again."

"Ah, no. Gavin Belson offered Hooli citizenship for him and his family. So he took it."

"Why the fuck would Gavin Belson - ? What the fuck? What's _that?_ "

Erlich finally noticed Jared, who was standing by the door, hands folded in front of him, politely awaiting orders with the same unnerving stillness as when Richard had first met him. Erlich stalked up to Jared to sniff the air in front of him, possibly mistaking him for a statue as Richard had done.

A grin spread across Jared's face. "Is this a... Cairn Terrier crossed with a human? How delightful!"

To Richard's horror, Jared reached out to scratch Erlich's head. Luckily, Erlich's low growling stayed his hand before it could reach Erlich's (admittedly inviting) curls. If Jared had succeeded, he would've lost a few fingers at least, and Richard couldn't afford to have him repaired.  

"Oh. Not a friendly Cairn Terrier cross then." Jared pulled his hand back slowly.

Erlich turned his glare over to Richard. "What. The. Fuck."

"Jared, meet Erlich. He owns the ship we live in. So please, never pet him. Erlich, this is Jared. Recently a Hooli-mech. Now he's helping us."

"You bought a Hooli-mech?"

"Technically, ah, rented one?"

"I contain five percent human component-parts, so technically I'm a cyber-mech."

"A cyborg. A _stinking_ cyborg," said Erlich with a shake of his head.

"I assure you I've been designed to be odor-neutral."

Erlich stepped right up to Jared and stared him down until he shrank back like a wilting flower.

"You smell like cat shit. You're not allowed on any of the furniture. And you're not getting your own room."

"I'm sorry, I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot." Still cowering, Jared held out his hand. "Nice to meet you, Erlich."

Erlich barked at him - actually _barked_ , which he almost never did. Jared jumped back a little. 

"C'mon, Jared. I'll show you around. Maybe we can get started." Richard took Jared by the arm and pulled him away to try and get some distance between the two of them.  

Jared nodded while Richard pointed out the kitchen, rec and work rooms before leading him down the hall into the bedrooms.

"Erlich has the master bedroom. That's Big Head's room, or it was - I guess we'll have to send him his stuff."

"I can pack it up for you, if you'd like," said Jared.

"Sure. That'd be great actually." Maybe having a mech around would be more useful than he thought. "And, ah, there's the other spare room, but I guess unless Erlich changes his mind, you'll be sleeping here." Richard led Jared into his bedroom. "Unless you want to sleep in one of the workrooms downstairs. It's pretty crowded though, there's not much space to stretch out."

"Oh that's never a problem. I sleep standing up."

"Oh. Okay."

"In fact I saw the perfect spot. Out by the pool."

The ship had a pool which Erlich insisted on keeping filled for exercise purposes. He swam infrequently, but it was really the only exercise he ever got (as opposed to Richard, who got no exercise, ever, unless you included masturbation or the occasional high-energy sim game).

Richard shrugged. "If that's what you want. Except there are no outlets out there. What kind of port do you need to recharge?"

"I'm solar powered," said Jared cheerily.

"Great. That works out then." Richard didn't even know they made mechs like that.

"In fact, I know this is a little unusual, but is there any chance I could take a little nap before we start work?" asked Jared. "I haven't slept in a few days, and I feel I could perform better after a little REM." 

"A few days, wow." Richard didn't know much about advanced mechs like this, but he knew that all mechs needed sleep to keep up proper brain function. "Sure. Take all the time you need. I should probably get a few more hours myself."

"Thank you, Richard. I've been here for less than ten minutes, and already you've been so kind to me." Jared looked so pathetically happy. Richard wondered if lack of sleep was making him over-emotional.

"No problem. Don't mention it."

~~~

Jared stood out by the pool, hands folded in front of him, eyes closed and face upturned to the sun. Sleeping, apparently.

"That's fucking weird, Richard," said Erlich, shaking his head.

"It'll save us on energy." Richard shrugged. He'd been afraid that the mech would have to take off his clothes, but all he'd done was roll up his sleeves and open his shirt collar. His skin must be packed with some crazy-efficient photovoltaic cells. Richard was intensely curious about the tech involved, but asking about it felt to him like asking about someone's kidneys worked. Just not polite.

"Plus, we'll need him." Richard fished the plan out of his pocket and gave it to Erlich so they could both start going over it in more detail.

~~~

Still feeling half-dead when he woke up, Richard dragged himself through the motions of taking a shower and getting dressed. When he shuffled into the kitchen for a breakfast bar, he was surprised to find the living room was full.

"Richard! While you were snoozing, I was getting some work done on your behalf." Erlich, still dressed in last night's clothes, was filling a bowl in his best for-company bong. "Meet Gilfoyle and Dinesh, your new terraforming architects. You're welcome."

Dinesh, already typing at one of the computer stations, turned around. Gilfoyle, too intent on studying their printing rig in the middle of the room, did not.

Jared stood in the corner, typing away at a document on his holopad. Looked like Erlich wasn't the only one already hard at work for Richard. He smiled in greeting and bent back to his work.

"Cool. Okay. How do you, ah, know these guys, Erlich?"

"Gilfoyle I met once at a party. Dinesh was the first one to answer my ad."

Erlich held out his fist to Dinesh, who took a moment to realize what the gesture meant before he finally bumped his fist against Erlich's. Then he got up and crossed the room to shake Richard's hand.

"Dinesh Chugtai. From Earth."

Dinesh had the smug smile most people got when announcing they were from Earth, not that Richard had known many. A warm golden sheen surrounded him, and shaking his hand felt like holding onto a glove made of static cling.

"Yes, I'm a hard-light hologram right now, but I can still design top-notch nanobot hive seeds for habitat, infrastructure, industry plants, anything you need. Erlich's got my CV, so you can check my school records and my past work and all of that."

The Urdu script for 'Hologram' was printed in blue on Dinesh's forehead, so that much Richard knew already. He'd never seen one in real life before - it was another costly Earth trend that hadn't made it this far out into the colonies.

"Okay. Good to meet you. Welcome aboard." Richard nodded. He trusted Erlich not to let a complete idiot onto his ship. Or at least he wanted to trust him.

With a disapproving shake of his head, Gilfoyle finally turned his attention away from their printing rig and stepped over to shake Richard's hand.

"Oh, wow. A Virgan," said Richard. It was apparent now that Gilfoyle was facing him. His skin was pasty-pale and the hand he reached out only had three fingers and a thumb, though Richard was surprised by its strength when he shook it. To Richard's knowledge, Virgans, at least the male ones, didn't usually have so much hair, either on their heads or on their faces. Maybe it was an age thing, or a weird style? Again, Richard was curious but unwilling to ask. The expression on Gilfoyle's face wasn't exactly friendly.

"Yep." Gilfoyle replied curtly.

"That's awesome," said Richard, bobbing his head in approval. "So you must know a lot about quantum thrust engines." Engine design wasn't his field, but he'd always been curious about quantum thrust.

"Nope." Said Gilfoyle.

Erlich cleared his throat and put down his bong.

"Oh. How about asymmetrical flux theory?"

Gilfoyle crossed his arms and sighed. "I know weather pattern construction. Erlich said that's what you guys needed."

Erlich cleared his throat again. Then coughed, very fakely. When he finally caught Richard's eye, he gestured with a not-inconspicuous twitch of his head.

"Just a sec," Richard said, excusing himself to follow Erlich.

Once they reached the breakfast nook, Erlich leaned in and stage-whispered. "Look, Gilfoyle's a great guy. _Great_ guy. But he's not very bright. For a Virgan."

"I do, however, have excellent hearing," shouted Gilfoyle from across the ship.

"A _dumb Virgan_? Now I've seen everything," added Dinesh. Apparently Erlich's stage-whisper carried further than he thought. 

Erlich winced. Richard shook his head and went back into the work room. Hopefully Gilfoyle wasn't so insulted that he'd just leave. On the contrary, Gilfoyle was already tinkering with the printing rig, fixing a loose wire that Richard hadn't noticed on his last check.

"Look," said Gilfoyle. "My ancestors were xenoforming planets while yours were still trying to figure out what a penis is for. If you need a weather and atmosphere designer, I can do that in my sleep. So unless you think sparklepants here can do the job, I'm your guy."

"I'm not sparkly, I'm iridescent," said Dinesh.

Gilfoyle crossed his arms again. His screen-glasses made his eyes seem bigger than normal, and they were already kind of big by human standards. He looked at Richard with the kind of tired distain Richard was used to getting from his old professors. The overall effect was pretty intimidating.

"Sounds good," Richard said with a nod. "You're right. A weather designer is what we need, and if you can do the job, we're glad to have you. And you, ah, Dinesh."

Jared politely cleared his throat. "Um, Richard, may I speak with you?"

"So who's the tinhead?" Gilfoyle asked before Richard could step away.

"Yeah, I don't like working with mechs," complained Dinesh. "What if the mech revolution starts and he kills us all in our sleep?"

Richard had no idea why people from Earth were so paranoid about the mech revolution, and yet they used more mechs than any other planet in the known universe.

"This is Jared. He knows more about incorp procedures than I do, so he's going to be helping us," Richard informed them.

"I would never kill anyone in their sleep." Jared promised. "Or while they're awake, or at all. I'm quite docile."

Gilfoyle narrowed his eyes but didn't comment further, though it seemed to convince Dinesh.

"I believe you, Jared," said Richard, because he really did. "Now what was it you wanted to talk about?"

Jared took him aside.

"Is it wise to take on partners just because they were the first to apply? Or because you met them at a party?"

Richard's brow furrowed with annoyance. "Well, I hired _you_ just because you asked me to." That and the puppy dog eyes.  

"Touché. Still, I feel I should say that in the future, you might want to take more time with your recruitment and selection process."

"Okay. But only if, in the future, you warn me _before_ I screw up instead of just telling me about it after."

"I'll certainly try." Jared replied sincerely.

Richard sighed, but his annoyance dissipated. It was hard to stay mad at someone so guileless.

They rejoined the rest of the guys in the work room.

"Tinhead doesn't think Richard should hire us," Gilfoyle announced. Clearly there was no point trying to hold a conversation away from him. It was possible that he could hear through walls 

Richard raised his hands before an argument could start. "But I just did. Hire you. Or I will, when the contracts are drawn up." He looked to Jared, who nodded and flicked open his holopad to start working on them.

"So. I don't know if Erlich explained everything to you. But now I think we have everyone we need to start our incorporation bid," Richard announced. "Which means there's going to be a lot of work to do. But Peter Gregory is going to fund us, and he's given us a solid plan to follow. And when we're finished, hopefully within the year, we'll all be the founders of a new planet colony."

"Well, all of us except me," Jared added. "I'll just be an employee-citizen."

Richard frowned. "No, you'll be a founder too. You've got as much work to do as any of us."

" _Really?_ "

 "Sure." Richard shrugged. "I don't see why not."

Richard actually thought for a second that Jared might start to cry, though it was unlikely that anyone would design a mech to do that.

"So, ah," Richard cleared his throat. "Let's get started."

 


	4. Chapter 4

"Richard, have you told the guys they need to read the application process manual?"

Richard yawned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "I think so?"

He wasn't even out of bed yet. The blue glow from Jared's holopad was the only light in the room. The Floating Face of Responsibility, Richard had dubbed him in his mind. These early evening meetings might be necessary to take care of any business before the others packed it in for the day, but they were starting to take a toll on his goodwill towards the mech.

"I don't mean to be assertive, but I need to make sure you knew how important it is that we all understand the rules of conduct on Patent Control Central. If we're called in at any point in the process, we'll need to be prepared to go there at a moment's notice."

"Did you put it on my checklist?"

"Yes... over two months ago. And there was a reminder last week."

"Okay. Then I did it."

Still in his underwear, Richard climbed down from his bed and rummaged through his drawer.

"Did you wash that blue hoodie?" Richard asked.

"Yes – it's under the purple hoodie."

Richard turned on the lamp. There it was, as neatly folded as when he'd bought it.

"Most of your underwear is quite, um, worn. Would you like me to order you some more?"

"No. It's fine."  

With the lamp on, Richard could now see Jared's face more clearly. It was covered in crudely drawn dicks, drawn while he was asleep by the pool. Again. Gilfoyle and Dinesh's new hobby.

"Wow. Um. That's... Have you seen that?"

"Yes, they seem to have gotten quite baroque. And their anatomy is improving. Look at this one here." Jared pointed at a particularly detailed phallus on his left cheek.

Richard shook his head.

"Can't you like, change your sleep settings so that you wake up when they do that?"

"Oh I do wake up. But I pretend to stay sleeping. They seem to enjoy it so much. I'd hate to spoil their fun."

Richard noticed that Jared was politely averting his gaze – _oh yeah_ , he was still in his underwear. He grabbed his robe and pulled it on with a muttered, "Ah, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jared said.

Richard shook his head as he piled his clothes for the day, all washed courtesy of Jared. He wasn’t used to having a servant, but when someone offered to do things for him, the little things he hated doing, it was hard to say no.

On his home colony, the only mechs were off-world visitors and SETY 5, the mech who came over with the first ship. It still worked in the main administrative office, giving tours to schoolchildren and good-naturedly answering the same questions it had been answering for over a hundred years, like ‘What were the founders like?’, and ‘What kind of fuel did the first ship use?’

“Look, Jared, you’re a business-trained mech with like, a million tech upgrades. You don’t have to keep doing these stupid chores. You have more than enough work to do.” Jared had single-handedly written nearly two hundred pages of contract in the past three months since Richard had hired him.

Jared shrugged. “I like helping you. I hope that’s okay.”

Richard sighed. “Yeah, it’s okay. Thanks.”

Jared’s face brightened, as it always did at the slightest glint of praise.

~~~

Gilfoyle was reading Jared's manual again. Along with a change of clothes, the reading pad with Arillon Tech's blue-grey logo had been delivered by courier the day after Jared's arrival.

Richard had only read one part of it – the cover. _A guide to your new multi-purpose L4303 M-alloy chassis cyber-mech._ That alone was enough to weird him out, for reasons he couldn't explain.

"Aren't you done with that yet?" Richard asked Gilfoyle. He sort of wanted to give it back to Jared. Or put it in a drawer somewhere.

"Nope," was Gilfoyle's reply.

"He's a slow reader," commented Dinesh from his station.

Gilfoyle looked up from the reading pad and narrowed his eyes at Dinesh. "What's the model number of your light bee again? Maybe I'll read your manual instead."

"Oh my god, Gilfoyle. You can't just ask someone what their light bee's model number is," Dinesh sputtered.

"Good morning, gentlemen," Jared announced as he came in. His face, at Richard's insistence, was freshly scrubbed and penis-less. "Erlich, are you awake?"

Lounging in his command chair (which was, by no coincidence, the most comfortable seat in the house), Erlich flipped up one side of his comfort-dark eye mask, took stock of the room, and put it back down.

"I'm listening. Go on." He waved his hand at them like some liege lord bidding his peasants to carry on with their duties.

"Okay then. Richard?" Jared made a 'take it away' gesture at him.

Richard sighed. It had been three months now, and he still hated these 'morning catch-up meetings' that Jared insisted on.

"Alright. Progress. Who's first - Dinesh?"

"I went first yesterday."

_Every single fucking morning._  
"Progress: Zero." Gilfoyle supplied. "I've designed the basic nanobot hives for operation in a goldilocks planet, but I can't specialize their units until I know exactly what kind of pre-existing conditions we're dealing with."

"Yeah, I'm pretty much at the same point," said Dinesh. "You need to pick a planet from the roster, and you need to do it like, yesterday."

"I think we can file this under 'Obstacles'," Jared said as he made an entry on his holopad.

"Well, it's a good thing we're ready for that," said Richard. "All this paperwork that's been taking me away from project development is - tah daahh, nearly done. I just have to add all the signatures, file it, and _then_ I'll get access to the roster."

"Nope," said Erlich from his chair.

Richard turned towards him. "Huh?"

Erlich lifted his eye mask off. "We got a summons earlier. I guess Hooli Corp. is challenging our existence."

Richard shook his head. "What?"

"Yeah I was trying to figure out a delicate way to tell you."

"Oh. I was afraid of this." Jared said. "Hooli can be... quite aggressive when they've zeroed in on unacquired technology."

"So... what does that mean?" Asked Richard.

"It means we can't file anything remotely. We have to go to Patent Control and prove our existence by submitting our application in person," explained Jared.

Richard shrugged. "Okay. That doesn't sound so bad."

Erlich and Jared shared a look. They didn't agree about much, but it seems like there was something they both knew that Richard didn't. That look made his stomach cramp up.

_Uh oh._

~~~

Patent Control was never meant for human habitation, although now you could apparently apply for citizenship. Looking over the dense, single-purpose moon as they waited for their turn at the gate, Richard had no idea why anyone would want to. Its surface was almost entirely covered by photovoltaic cells, alternating with long, shallow pools of grey-green algae that generated a minimal atmosphere, pocked with vents, communication towers, and a handful of highly guarded entrances. It was a fortress, housing some of the most sensitive information in human existence. For all intents and purposes, it might as well be a space station - anyone who lived there, lived inside of it.

"Peter's arranged as much help as he can, but the rest is up to you." Monica told Richard. Her hologram flickered in white and gold, life-sized and pretty as ever. "Just... follow the rules. You should be fine."

Richard bobbed his head. "Okay. Thanks, Monica."

"Thank me when you get out okay?" She smiled a kind of worried smile. "Good luck guys." With a small wave, she signed off and disappeared.

Dinesh sighed forlornly. "I really like it when she's a hologram. It's like we're the same species."

"You realize you are the same species. Well, theoretically," Gilfoyle said over his beer.

"You know what I mean."

"No I don't. Your Earth ways are strange and stupid to me."

Dinesh rolled his eyes. "Says the dumbest Virgan on the block."

"Dinesh, can you even _have_ sex as a hologram?" Erlich waded into the conversation from his command chair.

Dinesh sighed. "No. It's like wearing a full-body condom. Like a super thick one. It _sucks_. But I can still plug into VR sessions, that's fun," he added, brightening.

"That's great Dinesh," Richard said, rubbing his face. "We're super happy for you."

Normally this kind of TMI would've sent him in retreat to his room, but Erlich was about to steer them down. Richard strapped in for the descend-and-dock.

~~~

They parked the house on one of the docking rings and boarded a grey shuttle that had been sent to collect them.

Once they were in the air, a dark-haired man coalesced in their shuttle, right in front of them.

"Morning guys!" He said, though Richard was fairly certain it was night time on this side of the planetoid.

"Peter Gregory's hired me to be your legal advisor - name's Ron LaFlamme. You must be Ritchie Hendricks."

Richard shook the man's hand, which surprisingly didn't tingle like a hologram should.

"Richard, actually. Nice to meet you."

"Good to know you Ritch. So this should be straightforward enough. One of the pages will guide you through security to a waiting room. Once you get through the queue, I'll meet you at the registrar's office. Press your thumb to the dotted line and boom, you're officially a corporate entity."

"Sounds easy," said Richard, but the words gave him a terrible sense of foreboding. "Good. Thanks, Ron."

"No problemo. If you need me, ring a page and ask them to call me. Hopefully see you soon. Any questions?"

"I have one question. Are you a hologram too?" Dinesh asked. He must've noticed how strangely _fleshy_ the man seemed. If this was some new, advanced kind of hologram, Richard was sure Dinesh would be interested.

"No! Actually I've uploaded my consciousness to a splittable nanobot cloud. It's great for multi-tasking, which is a must around here. So while I'm here in this shuttle, I'm simultaneously over in that shuttle there, and that one too." He gestured out the window. "And also I'm in my office planet-side getting the best enema of my life." He smiled cheekily at them.

Richard nodded. "Once I bring my invention to market, you can relive that enema over and over again." Then he winced. He couldn't believe the things his brain came up with when there was a paucity of appropriate things to say.

"Wooow! That sounds just fantastic, Ritchie. I'll be rooting for you, really!"

"Thanks, Ron. See you at the hearing."

~~~

They were met planet-side by a small golden mech. It had no mouth to speak of, but it beeped and clicked at them, and projected the words _PLEASE FOLLOW ME_ in holotype above its head.

The elevator ride that took them from the outer docking bays deeper into the planet was worse than the Hooli elevator. It went both down and sideways, changing directions several times with a sickening lurch. There were no glass walls to look out at where they were going, and the effect was overall disorientating, which Richard surmised was the point.

"How long have you been in contract here at Patent Control?" Jared asked the mech, making small talk while they waited.

_52 CYCLES_ appeared over its head.

"Ah, you're still new. You'll get the hang of things soon I'm sure."

The mech made a series of clicks and boops, and Jared laughed as though it had told a joke. 

"You understood that?" Richard asked.

"Of course. I served several contracts here, years ago. I learned mech shorthand and five different dialects of legalese. I was a page, like this one."

The golden mech was over two heads shorter than Jared was now - that must have been some body transfer.

"Good. I'm glad you know your way around." Richard said. Honestly it did make him feel much better.

Jared gave him one of his Very Pleased smiles.

~~~

Rolling along on the ball it had instead of feet, the mech led them out of the elevator and into a gigantic warehouse.

Richard wasn't sure if this even counted as a warehouse. It was so big he couldn't see the end of it. And it was full of people, all waiting in line to go through the scanning banks at the far end of the room.

The short golden mech led them to what was hopefully the correct line, and they waited along with the crowd.

~~

Once their entire party had stepped through the scanning bank, a red post above them started to glowed red, and five security mechs arrived on the spot.

UNAUTHORIZED MATERIAL DETECTED, their page informed them.

"What? What's going on." Richard could feel himself starting to panic already.

"We have unauthorized material on our persons," Jared said.

"Yes, we _know_ , Jared. What material? I left all of my illegal materials at home." Erlich said, patting himself down for stray baggies.

_PLEASE PROCEED TO LINE R-105,_ their page directed.

"Ffffuck," Erlich said. "Not the long line!"

~~~

A few hours later, they all stood naked in line next to a the conveyor belt that held their possessions, which were bound for the micro-scanner. They'd even made Gilfoyle take off his visor.

"Jared, maybe this is an indelicate question, but why the fuck do you have junk?" Erlich asked.

Richard had been wondering the same thing himself.

"You mean...? Oh!" Jared looked down to where his hands modestly cupped the aforementioned 'junk'. "I was born with that."

"You were _born_?" Dinesh asked.

Jared nodded. "Yes. I'm a cyber-mech. I was born human. But once my debt level exceeded the RNP threshold, my status was converted to non-person. After a partial corpus-ectomy I was installed into a service chassis and loaned out on yearly contracts."

"Wow." Richard knew he was a cyber-mech, but he'd thought that meant that some of his nervous system was made of human DNA. "So how much of you is still human?"

"My brain, most of my nervous system. Some glands. And of course, the 'junk'. It's all contractually protected. I think the idea is that I'll someday produce offspring to help carry my debt load but... most contracts, like the one I had at Hooli, don't allow for that kind of, um, lifestyle flexibility."

Richard shook his head. That seemed completely bizarre to him, and he wasn't quite sure how to feel about it yet.

Once they and their possessions had been scanned to within an inch of their lives, it was discovered that three of them had contraband on their persons. Erlich had a small joint tucked behind his ear that he'd completely forgotten about. Dinesh had a chip of hardcore pornography plugged into one of the ports of his hard light bee. Gilfoyle had a pendant of a religious symbol that apparently contained a hidden flask of some highly poisonous substance.

"No, I'm not going to explain my religion to you," Gilfoyle told Dinesh when it seemed like he was about to ask. "You wouldn't like it, trust me."

The necklace, as it turned out, was protected by a Virgan treaty - they gave it back to Gilfoyle. Unfortunately, they confiscated one of Jared's two large briefcases, citing possible contamination. Richard was profoundly grateful that at the very least they got their clothes back.

Grumpy at having to wait for so long, Richard wanted to chide the guys for either ignoring or not reading the rules (in Gilfoyle's case, being too preoccupied reading Jared's manual), but he doubted any good would come of it now. He just wanted to get this over with.

Their page led them to a small, plain room with a few chairs and a fake potted plant.

THIS IS THE WAITING ROOM, their page informed them. PLEASE WAIT HERE.

A small door at the side of the room slid open, just big enough for the page to fit into. It hopped onto what looked like a rail, and whizzed away into the darkness beyond. The door slide closed and they were alone.

"Oh god." Said Richard. "How much longer is this going to be?"

"Um. Awhile." Jared said, which didn't make him feel any better.

"Is there anything to eat around here?" Hunger was starting to creep up on him.

"I'm so sorry - all the food I brought was in the briefcase that was confiscated," Jared replied sadly.

Richard sighed and took a seat, running his hands through his hair.

~~~


End file.
